A world away from the glitz, the glamour, the richness and the fame of being a pop star, sits a man who’s really quite annoyed about something. See, I’ve never been one to be over-the-top when it comes to following celebrities; I prefer to sit at a distance and appreciate what they say rather than like every post on Twitter; devote my whole life trying to get them to notice me. It would seem rather weird then, that I’ve decided to write this open letter. However, some opinions need to be given.
Once upon a time, you were a friendly child star who appeared in a show which everyone used to rave about. Being a male it was safe to say that I wasn’t going to latch on to ‘Hannah Montana’ like so many teenagers did. Mind you, it helped being 16 at the time and instantly finding anything like that completely shit.
Not many people know why you changed. Most would assume a cocaine binge, yet your nose is quite intact. I mean it’s not perfect, it looks a little squishy, i digress. People have said things like “Oh, the fame got to her”. What does that even mean? one can only assume that in order to get out of the ‘Cutesy child star’ image that you oh so graciously put upon yourself, you had to act up.
…but you did it in all the wrong ways and now you’re helping to spawn a generation of little shits.
You see, we all heard that supposed recording of you singing in a toilet, or a cupboard, or whatever small room you were in. It was fantastic, many of your fans were saying things along the lines of “Oh, well done Miley! that was amazing, yea, DO THAT SOME MORE!”. Maybe you didn’t read those comments, but why would you? I can’t imagine for a second that one evening whilst sat in your 1000 million dollar home, you think “Hey, I’m going to check my social media pages” that are most likely managed by underpaid staff members.
So you did what any insane person would do. Rather than take the chance you were blessed with; reinvent yourself to be a respected recording ‘artist’, you chose to become the poster child for everything that is wrong with pop music. The irony, that you did in fact come in like a wrecking ball. That song was the start of your new career as an un-respected, talentless piece of trash. Millions of teenagers, influenceable young teenagers are following your every move. What have you taught them so far? let’s make a list:
1. It’s absolutely OK to lick hammers and whore yourself out to the construction industry.
2. Sticking your tongue out all the time is fine, tongues don’t need lubrication and when they dry up we’ll just say “#yolo” and laugh it off.
3. No matter what, if it sells, or you get your own way then do it!
In all seriousness though, teenagers are living vicariously through you. Their idol. Teenagers want to be you, want to be with you, and want to do everything you do. With this current world we live in, this advanced technological age, bad influences like yourself need to be stamped out. I’m 24 years old, when I was younger I was used to playing outside with my friends. Now I’m hearing about 12 year olds texting their friends to talk about who they like, what fashion trends are in, what the celebrities are doing and how they want to be doing it to. You are, seemingly unknowingly, helping to fuel this world full of shit.
What can you do now? Well, apart from caressing everything Home Depot has to offer, you might want to try picking up an instrument and write something once in a while. Perhaps a nice song, like ‘The Climb’, just not as cheesy. It’s perhaps too late to do this, since you’ve already showcased your mediocre breasts and body to the world.
I’m finished now, I’ve given you some sound advice. Now, allow me list the things I would rather endure than the endless period that is your current career:
1. Blunt force trauma to my prized bollocks.
2. A Tiger, forcing it’s claw in to my heart and ripping it out with all his feline strength.
3. Falling down a flight of stairs, and then having a piano dropped on to my head.
4. Jumping out of a plane, getting tangled in the parachute, landing safely only to find out my best friend shat on my brand new Xbox One.
Lots of love,
Any sane person, ever.